Becoming a new mum for the first time, I felt both grief and joy when caring for my baby

Becoming a mother was something I had prayed for. Yet, when it finally happened after years of trying to conceive, I felt a sense of grief. I grieved for my life before the baby and it felt irrational that I should feel this way – because along with the sadness, there was also immense joy. 
The first time I felt this grief was a few weeks postpartum. 
It was 4am and I was startled awake by a high-pitched screech beside me. It took me a while to realise that the screams were coming from my baby boy. By then, I should’ve understood that waking up every hour of the night was a pastime of his. 
Barely awake, I could see my husband getting the diaper change area ready. Then it clicked. Our baby had let out a huge “poopsplosion” – and yes, it means what you think.
After my husband changed our son’s diaper and I nursed him back to sleep, I was exhausted but couldn’t fall asleep myself – so I went on Instagram.
There, I saw that a group of my friends had gone on an impromptu trip overseas. Seeing their posts, I felt a sudden pang of longing. I thought to myself: “I wish I could do that too.”
I’ve always valued spontaneity and I am a classic case of someone with severe FOMO – Fear of Missing Out. I love random suppers, sudden meet-ups, and saying “Let’s go!” to last-minute plans with my friends. Buying movie tickets on a whim is an idea of fun and if a friend texted, “Teh, tonight?” at 7pm on a weekday, I’d be quick to reply, “See you there!”. 
That night, as I cradled my son in my arms in the dark,  that life seemed so far away. 
As that first realisation hit, the rest came crashing down on me: No more last-minute plans, no more binge-watching shows late into the night, no more carefree afternoons reading books for hours, no more outings where it’s just my husband and me. 
It hit me hard: My old life was no more. 
While my baby is the greatest gift I will never regret, the first few weeks of caring for him as a new mum were brutal. 
His wails and cries were loud and mighty from the moment he was born. He also struggled with sleep, which meant I struggled along with him. Getting him to sleep was a Sisyphean task. 
My husband and I would take turns spending hours singing, rocking and shushing him to doze off, only to restart the whole cycle again because he would wake up the moment we put him in bed.
Google and well-meaning comments told us: You finally have a baby, you must feel grateful! The newborn phase goes by so fast! Blink and you’ll miss it! 
But all I remember is blinking continuously and still feeling stuck. 
Being a new mum was a jolt to my whole being. No amount of books, podcasts or websites prepared me for how shocking the change was. 
As I learned to adjust, sometimes dread would fill me. I wondered to myself and aloud to my husband, will caring for our son always be this way? Will we figure out a routine that works for us? Will we ever feel like ourselves again?
To these incessant questions, my husband would hold me close and assure me that yes, even if it’s difficult, we will figure things out. We will find our rhythm as new parents, even – and especially if – that looks different to what we’ve been used to. 
When I started recognising this grief, the emotion that came almost immediately was guilt. I felt guilty for missing my pre-baby life when my son, whom I love dearly, was in front of me.
Part of this guilt-grief stemmed from the fear and realisation of my responsibility as a parent. The decisions my husband and I made would now directly affect my son and the person he grew up to be. Coming to terms with that was another shock to the system.
But while terrifying, the realisation also empowered me. I couldn’t simply sit and complain about missing my old life. I may be tired and longing for freedom, but I must be present for my son. I have to be a responsible mother.
Grief is also not a bad feeling. For many, it is associated with death and funerals – but grief is not always about someone’s passing. Grief is related to loss, which comes in different forms. 
You can grieve the end of a romantic relationship, losing an old friend, your time as a student when you start work, or leaving your old neighbourhood. 
When we become parents, an incredibly huge shift happens, and we lose parts of our pre-baby selves – it is normal to grieve over this. 
I didn’t have postpartum depression – I was simply responding emotionally to the way life had completely turned upside down in just days and weeks.
In acknowledging how immense this change was and how it wasn’t possible to go back to what it was before, I began feeling more at ease. 
I can mourn my old life, but that doesn’t mean I want it back. There are still pieces of my old life that I don’t have to let go of completely, such as my hobbies. They just need a bit of adjustment, a minuscule sacrifice in the grand scheme of parenthood. 
I may not have as much flexibility, but I have fulfilling and meaningful moments with my loud and confident baby. 
I may not be able to invite my husband or friends to spontaneously visit a cafe in the middle of the day, but I can plan and spend my time more intentionally and mindfully. 
I may not be able to hang out with my friends late at night, but now I get to experience the beauty of seeing my friends know and love my baby. 
It may no longer be just my husband and I, but we now get to share our love on a deeper level as we care for our son, delightfully getting to know our new tiny person together.
Motherhood has also taught me to more deeply appreciate the beauty of JOMO – the joy of missing out. I’m much better at being more content and grateful, and not comparing my life to anyone else’s. 
One day, maybe I’ll have me to myself again, but right now, I have a different life – one where I’m accountable for another human I have the privilege of calling my own. 
Joy and grief can co-exist. As my baby grows, I know I’ll always be entering new phases in my life. With each one, I welcome both the grief and joy that come with it. 
Now, almost five months into new motherhood, my baby’s cries are still as loud as ever, but so are his laughs and giggles. And the next time I wake up in the middle of the night to tend to him, I’ll remind myself to learn from him too: Even amid the cries, I can still figure out how to smile. 
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.